Lost...

     I wonder? Am I really lost or is it just a phase? When they speak to me if even for a moment I feel happy.
I hope this lasts, but while I am happy I am constantly reminded of how alone I am...


     The dreams seem to be getting more and more intruiging as of late. It is as if I am looking from a whole new view. The birds, when they sing it is a soft melody that could lul anyone to sleep. The other day I had a nightmare. It has put me in a state recently where I feel alone. As if I should not be cared for. As if I am unworthy. I am not a person who seeks comfort from others, but I now feel as if I just need someone to hold me. Or simply a hug that lets me know they are there.

 
     I have decided upon something. To wait. To wait for as long as i need to. That is how I seem to have always been. I am just me and that is all i want to be. Never changing for others just expressing myself in the way it comes out.  S. she is probably the only person who truly knows how I feel about him. E.  I truly want to ask him, but the reprocusions of my action might be negative. I shall wait. as long as i need to just to make him happy.

Gravity

Hey guys, :) I am talking to S. while writing this so if it gets messed up i apologize.

     So this morning i awoke in a sicklyness I don't know what it is ugh. I about fainted today in class, but oh well. Haha I kinda had a glimpse to myself it was like a day dream. As I was about to fall E. caught me in my arms. Ha silly right? Lately the messages have been getting less and less and I hope everything is ok. I told S. what I am doing for his birthday. It is a big project. I kope he likes it.

    I realize that i am randomly spotting ideas and sentences, but since nobody reads this it doesn't matter.
I have been listening to the song gravity by sara bareilles today. I don't really know why.
I also had a dream today after i came home and took a nap i was dreaming that me and E. were slow dancing to the song in the arms of an angel. It was me walking over to him and reaching for his hand and starting to slow dance with my arms wrapped up to his shoulders and his around me.

     I honestly think I might have said something unsettling to him. Maby that is ehy there is no response. Could it have been the forward of the blog i posted last? who knows? well good night guys to anyone who actually reads this. i love you all.
  

Dreaming of you. . .

Ok hey guys. Good morning and today I am going to talk about the dream I had last night because it was absolutely amazing. J

                Last night I had just come home from my old high school’s football game and during the game I had been texting E. just about the entire time. <3 Anyways he always makes me blush so I try to keep it under control. Since I have been talking to him I have not had a perverted thought about anyone. It is like he is here beside me holding my hand. That might sound cheesy but I don’t care. Back to the dream I was having.

                After I got home I went straight to bed. I turned on my CD player and I played Owl City’s, “fireflies.” This might have had an effect on my dream, but I love the song along with “Vanilla Twilight.” I slowly dozed off to sleep still keeping E. in mind and it started.  The dream began in what I thought was his home. I walked casually in the front door. The house was a two story, slight Victorian touch, but more modern.  It had a front porch that was white while the rest of the house was a light blue. As I walked in I seen that there was nobody there so I went around front and there in the front yard was E. I didn’t know why, but he was mowing and raking leaves with this other guy that was slightly balding and I just presumed that he was his dad I rolled with it.

                I smiled so big once I seen him because in my last dream right as he was speaking I woke up. I didn’t in this one. E. was just being himself sort of playing around in the leaves sense it was fall the tress barely have leaves on them anyways. He seen me walking around and smiled really big as well as I did. He fell backwards into a pile of leaves and laughed. It was funny I must admit. J <3 We greeted each other and gave hugs I can still feel his hug it was so real. His body so warm and protecting, it was as if I could tell that everything was ok and he was never going to let me go.  He had kissed me again on the forehead like in the last dream and smiled at me. I just laughed and told him that he was silly. He responded with, “Yeah and you like it.” I blushed. We afterwards we went back into the house to grab a bite to eat. I ate an apple and I am pretty sure he did too.

                I asked him did he want me to give him a massage that I have been so proud of and he agreed. We sat in the living room and I just worked on his back. I’m sure others was have used this to flirt with him really hard, but it made me happy just to be near him. His back was really tense around the neck line, which most people are; I was just admiring how beautiful he was. I never could have imagined a man so beautiful such as this would be so nice like me.  I never once had a sexual though the whole time. I just smiled and as did he. I had finished his massage and he said to fallow him, I agreed. As I followed him he was explaining his home and about his life there since he moved out from his parents.

                We sat on his bed and talked. He started the conversation with a casual so how are you and I am so glad you’re here. I assumed it was just playful banter.  I responded with I am great and I am happy just to be here finally. He said, “Awe,” and hugged me. We continued to talk for a while I asked him where his father went he said that he had to go home. Not thinking anything of it I slipped out saying, “You know you are truly the most beautiful human being on this planet.” He blushed and I fell out of his bed. It was quite embarrassing to say the least. He asked if I was ok and said, “You’re so cute. You know that?” I blushed.

                I got back onto the bed with him and I asked did he mind me starting my project for my art class. Of course he didn’t mind he wanted to see my sketch book as well. I showed it to him and asked if I could draw him sense I am here in person. He agreed and I was happy. I as I started to draw him he was complementing me on random things. It made me blush to say the least. So I began to complement him as well. He asked me could he take his shirt off.  I told him it wouldn’t bother me it’s your picture anyways. J He smiled heavily. After about an hour of drawing I figured he was asleep so I slowly went to get a drink of water, trying not to disturb him.

                I closed the fridge and heard something talking. It was E. on the phone with S. I stood outside his door listening. He was facing the wall away from the door and he was say “. . . It doesn’t bother me what they think, Sabbs. I am finally happy and I hope this is real. Yes. No. Ha-ha, no not yet. Well I think he is coming back up stairs so I’ll call you later ok. Good night love you too.” He hung up the phone and I came in. I said, “Oh you’re awake.”  He turned over and smiled. I walked over to the foot of his bed and sat down. He asked, “Why are you down there? Come up here. You’ll hurt your neck if you sleep that way.” I giggled a little and agreed. I moved up towards the top with my back to him then he said to turn around I don’t bite.

                I turned around and gazed into his eyes. We talked a bit more about his hopes and his dreams. It made me happy that he was just speaking to me let alone that I was there in his bed. He started to turn back over and he was typing something on his computer. He was still talking to S. all I could see was, “ I am single. I am me. I am about to ask him and hang on.” I just laid there like I didn’t see anything and he turned back around and wrote a question on his hand in marker then showed it to me. It said, “Would you go out with me?” It ended with a smiley face and circled in a heart. There were also a box for yes and a box for no with a sad face. I took the marker and wrote over his heart . . . “of course” and I kissed it. He laughed, smiled really big, and wrote on my hand P.O.E. and he said, “Mine.” I asked him what did that mean?  He responded, Property of Eric.

 I snuggled up against him and said, “You know I always figured things like this would only happen in dreams, but it never has in any of mine.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my lips so lightly you could barely feel it. He then rested his head on my shoulder and we both fell asleep. Me in his arms and him grinning his beautiful smile.  He said in a whisper, “Good night J. I am so glad you finally came to see me.” Whispering back I said, “Good night E. I am not going anywhere. As long as you want me here I will always be here . . . I love you.” “I love you too.” We both faded away in my dream then I woke up wondering could that really happen?

                               

-“It’s hard to say that I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep because everything is never as it seems . . . because my dreams are bursting at the seams.”

It's been a little while..... Life of Gay Man 3

It's been a while since we spoke last, but I need to talk to you. Talk to someone. Even if it's myself. A few weeks back E. and I actually talked I was so excited. Excited that someone like him actually would give me the time of day. For years I have always been told that I am very sweet and kind and also why don't I have a boy friend? I have always thought it was honestly the way I looked, being fat, or just not attractive. Anyways I as began to talk to E. more and more the wall I had built up against liking someone else slowly began to fall. I also didn't want to fall for the same guy everyone else did..On this website many people flock to E.just b/c of his muscles. I never once thought of him like that. What I found attractive on him was his beautiful smile and his basic personality that reminded me of my own. That smile, ugh, his adorable little smile that everytime
I got the least bit upset I would just look at it and it was if all my sorrows melted away. I never ment for me to have feeling like this again towards someone else, because I somehow always manage to say something that ruins my happiness. Since others like his as well I always thought it was best for me to just to keep quiet and let the others take away the person my heart longed  for the most. Instead of heading to my head my heart wanted me to at least talk to him. I did. It was funny when I we talked b/c when I was drawing I had artists block and couldn't find anything to draw so I asked him name the very first song that came to mind he said "Miles Away - Madonna". I never knew I would find someone else that has heard that song. It made me smile that he was listening to the same song I. It probably didn't help the fact that my friend said this can't just be a coinsidence. I fought that idea as much as I could. I didn't want to believe it. Why should I. I mean he is an absolutly beautiful person from soul to skin, absolutly flawless with the heart to match. After this I began to post more and more drawings just for him. I guess you could say my wall was fading away. I was still hesitant, but I figured why not? Why not try this one more time who knows maby she was right. Maby it wasn't just fate. The following day I had finished this massive drawing that I was so engulfed with, but i didn't want to cause anyone to get upset so I only showed two people. S. and E. .. E. loved it. It took him a second to figure out it was him and me but he got it. :) I eventually let it all unfold and come straight out explaining how I felt towards him, what I would do If he ever visited or anything. My way of a first date or just a greeting. It involved going to the top of  the mountain beside my house and have a picnik as we watched the sun set into the valley, just sitting there talking the whole time. I could see it now I cold picture the reflexion of the sun in his beautiful eyes, glistening, as he talked to me, but that is just something that only happens in fantasy, but then agin I am a cliche' and I will actually do that for someone so who knows maby it will. To this day I am still fighting everything I am trying to cut back on how much I text anyone in general. It is my own was of isolation. That way i don't get hurt. But deep down in my core anytime I get sad, I think of E. Anytime I get scared, I think of E. no matter what i do his smile is always in the back of my head. It is so hard to destroy feelings about someone else. I think I will never get him out of my head. I guess it is as Connie Francis' song (I will wait for you) says, weather it takes forever I will wait for you. If you haven't heard it you should listen to it. The pictures I have posted as of yet have explained some of what i'm feelin but nobody will ever know just how much  I care, but as I said now I am starting to rebar my heart away from him. Ha I even had a dream that me and him actually held hands and truth be know thats really all I guess I do dream for since sex just isn't important. A kiss, to hold a hand, to embrase the one you cherish more than any other..... I am such a fool. The playlist I created out of this gushyness is as fallows....

1. Miles Away - Madonna
2.I will fallow you into the Dark - Death cab for cutie
3.Hide and Seek - imogen heap
4.Thinking of you - Katy Perry
5.Love like woe - the ready set
6.Candyman - Christina Agulira
7. At last - Ettam james
8. fly me to the moon - frank sanatra
9. I will wait forever - Connie Francis
10. You have stolen my heart - dashboard confessionals
11. Here (in your arms) - Hellogoodbye
12. Speeding Cars - imogen heap
13. Amazed - lone star
14.Mine - Taylor Swift
15. you belong with me - taylor swift
16. Sweet disposition - unknown artist
17. We are who we are - kesha
....
..........
...............but it is better to express in silence I guess,






........always keep smiling no matter how dark your world becomes, because there will always be someone there that will love you no matter what. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Day 2

Hey guys it’s me again, thoughout this blog series I might refere to myself as Icarus I hope you don’t mind. I kind of been obsessed with it lately. My actual name should be posted, but it’s jake.

                So last night when I trailed off I had just went with my friend to visit another friend to hang out. We  watched the older movies A Clockwork Orange, Blue Velvet, and Wild at Heart. If anyone has seenthese movies they really aren’t that bad; infact, I would say that Blue Velvet was the best out of the three. Just because the music from the movie was amzing.

                Throughout the night my friend K. started being  passive aggressive jerk. I mean he is straight and I can see that he wouldn’t see the importance of some things, but you know he could have been nicer. I brought up the victory about how gays can officially join the military and not have to keep closeted.

                Anyways  this morning we all woke up at about eleven  o’clock . I had woken up earlier because K. and his screaming ringtone like blew up in my ear. Soon after when I actually opened my eyes I seen my friend H. sitting right in front of me in his red plad boxers. He is a pretty hairy man so yeah. Haha. You can guess what I seen (shudders).  It was about three inches limp and two and a half in girth. I freaked out because you know that’s my friend and all. (shudders again)

                By this time it’s about one and now I’m starting to think about E. and weather or not I would ever tell him exactly how I feel. I wish I could picture it now, if we were in the same state, on our first date I would have everything set up perfectly. I would take him to the top of the mountain near my house, twenty min. away, since we both like outdoors and stuff like that. Because at sunset  the view from the top is just amazing. You can see the whole valley and as far as the eye can see. At the top of the mountain there is tables for people that want to eat up there. After setting for a little bit I would    start to play his favorite song;          . Since I am not one to be forcfull upon anything on a first meeting  I then would slowly slide my hand over top of his and just sit there with my head on his shoulder. . . . ugh it would be so great. :0)

               

                 Late tonight I admit I drunk more than I should have I am so sorry to all my friends for my embarassing moment. :(

sorry,

Icarus

Day One: 10/1/2010 (typos I know)

     Hello everyone. Today is the first day I created my blog. Yay. :0) I am currently 18 years old in college and am a homosexual. I never really had a great life, but I wont bore you with another sap story. Haha. Well I am an artist hoping to maby be a massuse one day I love to work out and well i'll go into that more tomorrow.

      Today I woke up as I usualy did and I thought to myself, "today will be a good day."
As I went to go take a shower I had been thinking about what one of my friends, D, had been talking about for the past couple of days. well the days I was on webcam with him. He had been talkin about "Mr. Fantastic" for a while now and in the back of my mind I was wondering who it was. . . I had came to the conclusion it has to be him; E., I mean he is so beautiful everyone must want him. Right?

     So I brushed it off like it wasn't anything and started singing while I was in the shower. I sung (What we hate we make, by The Rocket Summer), (Black Horse and a Cherry Tree, by KT Tunstall), and (Apologize, by Silverstien). To myself I think I sound ok, but since i have horrible i have a fear of singing in front of people I officially don't know how good I sound. As I began to dry off in my room I turned on my loptop and continued to sing the song, "What we hate we make." When i'm in a slump I listen to this song, because I am infatuated with its meaning.

     Since I have Fridays off from college I took today as a relax day. Since this was a relax day I pretty much stayed on the labtop all day today. :0) (I made these smilies up it's a teddy bear) Later I logged onto my acount on Connexion.org (gay social networking site)  and started listening to some of my other music. The first song that started to play was "For All We Know, by Billie Holliday". That really didn't help my self-esteam much, but at the same time I love the song so it didn't matter.

      I happened to glance up and I seen that I recieved a message from E. I was happy since obviously I think he is adorable. I mean he fits everything I look for in a guy. He is an amazing friend, sweetheart, country, smart, funny, beautiful smile, and a great body plus being part Greek isn't a bad thing. :0) When I opened up the email it was continueing our conversation about my pictures. I had told him that I was editing my pictures from another website; being flirty I said, "I think they look smexy (super mega sexy)." He had agreed with me saying yeah you got it goin on.This mad me sort of happy considering that I normaly don't get acussed of being good looking in the least bit.

       Soon after I had closed out of my acount I looked and I got a text saying that "We are not going to the Gay Pride Festival next week." This completely made me aggravated, because I was going to help pay for stuff and besides I was going to meet my friend S. who is absolutly amazing all around. It is being held October ninth and tenth. Anyone would be mad since they spent like all their time centered around this festival. I asked her why, but then she said b/c her and her girlfriend had officially broken up. I just thought, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! NOT AGAIN NOT NOW!!!!

       So as my day slowly started its decline I finally got to talk to my friend G. who is absolutly awsome too. He looks like a cop with his mustash :0) We talked about our day and I figured that I would talk to him just because i've not actually talked to him much. Chapstick. Now that's a funny word. If only you guys knew, but that is a story for another day. Well guys it looks like I have to go. I am going to watch old movies with my friends.

 ttyl,

Icarus.