It's been a little while..... Life of Gay Man 3

It's been a while since we spoke last, but I need to talk to you. Talk to someone. Even if it's myself. A few weeks back E. and I actually talked I was so excited. Excited that someone like him actually would give me the time of day. For years I have always been told that I am very sweet and kind and also why don't I have a boy friend? I have always thought it was honestly the way I looked, being fat, or just not attractive. Anyways I as began to talk to E. more and more the wall I had built up against liking someone else slowly began to fall. I also didn't want to fall for the same guy everyone else did..On this website many people flock to E.just b/c of his muscles. I never once thought of him like that. What I found attractive on him was his beautiful smile and his basic personality that reminded me of my own. That smile, ugh, his adorable little smile that everytime
I got the least bit upset I would just look at it and it was if all my sorrows melted away. I never ment for me to have feeling like this again towards someone else, because I somehow always manage to say something that ruins my happiness. Since others like his as well I always thought it was best for me to just to keep quiet and let the others take away the person my heart longed  for the most. Instead of heading to my head my heart wanted me to at least talk to him. I did. It was funny when I we talked b/c when I was drawing I had artists block and couldn't find anything to draw so I asked him name the very first song that came to mind he said "Miles Away - Madonna". I never knew I would find someone else that has heard that song. It made me smile that he was listening to the same song I. It probably didn't help the fact that my friend said this can't just be a coinsidence. I fought that idea as much as I could. I didn't want to believe it. Why should I. I mean he is an absolutly beautiful person from soul to skin, absolutly flawless with the heart to match. After this I began to post more and more drawings just for him. I guess you could say my wall was fading away. I was still hesitant, but I figured why not? Why not try this one more time who knows maby she was right. Maby it wasn't just fate. The following day I had finished this massive drawing that I was so engulfed with, but i didn't want to cause anyone to get upset so I only showed two people. S. and E. .. E. loved it. It took him a second to figure out it was him and me but he got it. :) I eventually let it all unfold and come straight out explaining how I felt towards him, what I would do If he ever visited or anything. My way of a first date or just a greeting. It involved going to the top of  the mountain beside my house and have a picnik as we watched the sun set into the valley, just sitting there talking the whole time. I could see it now I cold picture the reflexion of the sun in his beautiful eyes, glistening, as he talked to me, but that is just something that only happens in fantasy, but then agin I am a cliche' and I will actually do that for someone so who knows maby it will. To this day I am still fighting everything I am trying to cut back on how much I text anyone in general. It is my own was of isolation. That way i don't get hurt. But deep down in my core anytime I get sad, I think of E. Anytime I get scared, I think of E. no matter what i do his smile is always in the back of my head. It is so hard to destroy feelings about someone else. I think I will never get him out of my head. I guess it is as Connie Francis' song (I will wait for you) says, weather it takes forever I will wait for you. If you haven't heard it you should listen to it. The pictures I have posted as of yet have explained some of what i'm feelin but nobody will ever know just how much  I care, but as I said now I am starting to rebar my heart away from him. Ha I even had a dream that me and him actually held hands and truth be know thats really all I guess I do dream for since sex just isn't important. A kiss, to hold a hand, to embrase the one you cherish more than any other..... I am such a fool. The playlist I created out of this gushyness is as fallows....

1. Miles Away - Madonna
2.I will fallow you into the Dark - Death cab for cutie
3.Hide and Seek - imogen heap
4.Thinking of you - Katy Perry
5.Love like woe - the ready set
6.Candyman - Christina Agulira
7. At last - Ettam james
8. fly me to the moon - frank sanatra
9. I will wait forever - Connie Francis
10. You have stolen my heart - dashboard confessionals
11. Here (in your arms) - Hellogoodbye
12. Speeding Cars - imogen heap
13. Amazed - lone star
14.Mine - Taylor Swift
15. you belong with me - taylor swift
16. Sweet disposition - unknown artist
17. We are who we are - kesha
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...............but it is better to express in silence I guess,






........always keep smiling no matter how dark your world becomes, because there will always be someone there that will love you no matter what. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3